By Marv Meyers
marvoroza@aol.com
HOLLY LAKE RANCH, Texas — A few years ago the Bureau of Labor Statistics projected job losses would be erased by year’s end should current growth rates be sustained.
Apparently all those jobless folks would be gainfully employed at a McDonald’s somewhere near you.
Is this a great country, or what?
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
This would be a great time to move: paradigm into a higher-paying position.
We are moving into a buyer’s market for job seekers. Take my job, for instance. No, really, I mean please take it.
There is no way you can call what I do work.
PHOTO: Marv Meyers, Traders Guide of Texas’ columnist, gets ready to toot his own horn.
Are you kidding me?
Please do not rat on me, but anyone can do this, anyone.
Trust me.
First get yourself a book called Roget’s Thesaurus.
It’s chock full of adjectives you can sprinkle throughout your articles and spice up your columns real good.
Next get “Big Words for Dummies” or “Five Dollar Words for Dummies.”
Basically the very same book with different covers. One’s cheaper.
It makes no difference whether you know the meaning of the words or not.
Why am I telling you, practically a complete stranger, about these valuable secrets?
The truth is I am about to get fired.
You can smell a pink slip coming from a mile downwind, can you not?
When you mention some event next Tuesday and your boss changes the subject you know the gig is up.
He does not want to go there because he knows you will not be there next Tuesday.
You might as well put an egg in your shoe and beat it.
You know the mantra, “Good luck, Marvo, and don’t let the door hit you in the butt on the way out.”
How can they fire someone who seems to have it all? Friendly, kind, helpful and plays well with others?
Crunch the numbers. They pay me big bucks for such $5 words as ostentatious, belligerent or obnoxious.
This column contains 500 words. Don’t ask why. It just does.
Do the numbers.
Five dollars times 500 words a week equals $120,000 per year.
Now, if they fire me and hire you for, say, $100,000 a year, they have just saved $20,000 a year.
I was planning to quit anyhow.
Why would a smart guy like me let his superiors know he’s planning to go Splitsville, you might ask?
Simple. The guys I work for never read this far down my column anyway.
Their attention span is shorter than a rutabaga and about as intuitive.
The job for which I am best qualified is one with short hours, good pay and no responsibilities.
Wait! What am I thinking? I already have that job.
I just hope and pray my editor and/or publisher does not read this week’s column.
Oh, woe is me. I am doomed.
Does anyone out there have an opening for an unemployed writer with a big mouth and mush for brains?
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© 2007 Marv Meyers
